honest to blog

Excuse me, sorry, what time, what time is it? *rummages handbag and shows mobile phone* Ow, thanks, umm, do you know where Blackburn is? Oh, just down the road, it’s that intersection over there. Oh, ok ok. *still walks on the same pace* Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you right there, really. *smiles and nods* So, I’m just going to visit my mom. What do you do? Where have you been? Uni. Oh, I’ve just finished school too, builder? You know? Port Melbourne. What are you studying? Business. Oh, that’s nice. I’ve just turned eighteen. I’m visiting my mom. I’m from Italy, where are you from? Indonesia. Oh, that’s cool. You know, just, can I follow you back to your place? It’s late and it’s cold I won’t make it to my mom’s place. Excuse me? Look, me nice guy, me nice guy. Please? I’m sorry, I can’t. Why not? Not your f*cking problem. And by the way, Blackburn’s that way? Oh, ya, it’s ok, I can go through this way too, turn left, then right, yea. Where does your MOM live again? Dingley road, but it’s far. Springvale. A very very long walk. So can I stay at your place again? Look, I can pay if you want, look. Sorry, don’t do strays. Please, please. Look, in the future when I meet you, I can thank you. You know. You can teach me. HUH? Look, look, I’ve never done this before, you can teach me. You’re one not by choice? Loser. You’re so beautiful, please? Please? Gee kid, take a number. Look, I can pay you, please? 5 minutes? Your boyfriend won’t know. *SLAP!*

But that’s not exactly how it went.

Nope, I was constantly looking around for accomplices. I was worried like hell. I was *to my disdain* feeling more like a trapped mouse. So much for street-sass. I guess I’m just not as tough I thought. And my usual ever-famous sarcasm machine of a one-liner has been failed by my fear of ending up in those statistics. I may have had some laugh about it with some friends. But the fact is; my hands were shaking when I picked up a cup of water afterwards. And I was reminded of how vulnerable smiles and happiness can be…

tonight i caught a shooting star. right after i caught ’stardust’ at the cinema. the gods of sky and coincidence must be having a ball.

huh. awkward.

i’ve been up all night working on an assignment. i’m cranky, moody, and thisclose to getting borderline psychotic. up there in my head, my brain cells are nagging about in its caffeine withdrawal riots (not that i’m a coffee junkie, but i’d talk about it some other day). even the grey matters are having their own synaptic schedule. where’s inspiration when i need them most??? and all this for an assignment that’s due only at the end of next week?!?!??!?! i know, it’s so not like me at all…

the other day, i had made an arrangement with a friend. we planned to go out, have some fun, do our stuff, you know. i was excited beyond reason and was really looking forward to that. i turned down some other way earlier offers from some of the others and was planning to groove on till late. but my friend cancelled at the eleventh hour. i wasn’t happy. and i ended up sulking in my grassy cave till the break of dawn. i should have accepted the others’ offer.

let your yes be yes. let your no be no.

and there was another day. i was having some consultation session with my youngest little sister. she was asking lots of stuff about…stuff, and i actually enjoyed answering them. made me feel all responsible and knowledgable and all grown-up, if you know what i mean, cause my opinions actually matter to her. then i told her that i needed to hang up for a while because i had something to attend to, but i promised i’d call in half an hour. and so an hour went. and two. and five. i got carried away by someting else. then my little sister called again, and innocently asked,"katanya mau telpon lagi?" (read: said you wanted to call again?) she had been waiting till right before her usual sleeping time. i genuinely felt bad.

let my yes be yes. let my no be no.

and so, i’ve been up all night clutching a stress ball trying to refrain myself from compulsively downing all the vitamin pills on my desk. and all of these for an assigment that’s only due at the end of next week. but i gave my word to my group mates, however nonchalant and informal they were, that i’d get all these things done by tomorrow. so i have to do this. and if i don’t make it, please tell my sister i love her. right before you let her know that it was me who screwed around a little with her mac.

let my yes be yes, let my no be no…

An excerpt from the movie ‘Ratatouille’:

God help me…

Yoda might say,"Do or do not…there is no try." But you know the saying that goes,"At least I could say I try." I admire people who dare to take risks and go against the society’s bar set by the Joneses for the things they believe in. After all, well-behaved people rarely make history.

And anyone can see that there is no holiday made in honour of a critic; no street, no school, no monument and what have you. So, the next time I see someone stumble doing the things they love, I’d genuinely try to say,"At least they could say they try," and mean it. After all, we are only human.

And there is beauty in flaws. 

That’s why we learn.

That’s why we grow.